I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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