guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
