i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
