i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Khloé Kardashian Finally Speaks Out About The Tristan Thompson Cheating Scandal
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
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I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now