I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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