the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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