So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
