I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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