I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Less talking, more tequila
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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