I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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