Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Randomize
