She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
