The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
