Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
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Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
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yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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