i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
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Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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