I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
