mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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