Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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