I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
