I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
