i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
