No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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