Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
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