Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
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I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
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i think my cat just said my name.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
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