I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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