I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
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