I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
