guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
