i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
