and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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