I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The air was thick with penises
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
