when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize