i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
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