im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Randomize
