Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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