ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
