There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
