Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
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Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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