this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
