And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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