how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
