I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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