I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize