my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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