My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
