I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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