are you so shy because you have an std?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
