and you said cock pushups were impossible
the condom got lost in my hair
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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