there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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