and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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