seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
