when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
