Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
