I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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