cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
